Motherhood and Lonliness

The truth is I enjoy being alone about 85% of the time. We all have different needs, but I have always been comfortable alone in the evenings when my husband is traveling for work and the kids are all in bed. I've always been this way. Mom used to force me to make new friends and I was always glad she did, but I've never been driven by a need for social interaction.

And yet, when my husband is gone for weeks I find myself adopting habits that, on taking a closer look, I realize are very much the result of loneliness- late night eating, binge-watching shows on Netflix, taking long, hot showers, and becoming way too interested in the affairs on social media.

The remedy for loneliness seems to be simple enough: real people, company, connection. But, consider motherhood (and wifehood, for that matter), where we are surrounded by people constantly. These people love us wholeheartedly and need us around the clock, and yet we feel alone somehow. So, loneliness is much more than being alone.

“Loneliness is an emotional state, not necessarily the objective state of being alone—it is dissatisfaction with social relationships, regardless of how few or numerous, infrequent or active.”
-Andrew Eng, PhD- Publichealth.northwestern.edu




True loneliness is discontentment with the status of your relationships whether those connections are ones you don't have or they lack the qualities you desire.

Perhaps we are lonely by our own design.

The will is a funny thing. When we choose a burden, it is so much more bearable than when someone chooses it for us. When we can't change our circumstances, the next option is to choose this circumstance for ourselves. It is the only other way to fight loneliness or heartache or depression or despair. What would you do differently if you had chosen this circumstance for yourself? Often, we actually have chosen the situations we find ourselves in, but don't want to admit it.
To overcome it, own it.

Choose to invest yourself in the lives of your family members. Choose to remove the walls that keep you from trusting your spouse totally. You might get hurt, of course. But to refuse any part of yourself means you choose loneliness out of fear of being hurt. Out of fear.

Its the same for those who are unmarried. If loneliness plagues you, You must change. You must choose to invest yourself in the relationships you do have, or to forge new relationships. Keeping yourself a secret is hiding yourself away, and you Will be lonely.

Take a chance on people. Forget about what you imagine they may think of you and just be a friend. Meditate on what you can bring to the world, not what the world can provide for you.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"

All photo credits go to Claire Ford 

A Nice Day for Mom

When I was a young I hated the advice "bloom where you are planted." It sounded like a cop-out or an accuse for lethargy. I have always been on the go. I'm motivated by the idea of a ladder and I always want to climb to the next rung, learn what is waiting around the next corner. I still view this as a positive character trait.

Recently I've tripped over the realization that the more I know, the harder it becomes to grow in holiness. The cornerstone of my personality is adventure and work. The more I find out about people and the wide world the further away heaven and clarity seem to be. How to marry these two things that both seem good?


I think cautiously is the only way to get on. I am thinking of my present time as a bowl to be filled with my very best effort. I want to let go of the desire for success, prestige, possessions, promotion, money, and acknowledgment. I actually believe that if I fully accept this very place I am in as where I am meant to be and use my natural energy to max-out on my tasks, what is meant to be will follow- perhaps more than if I was breaking my back for the future.

They say, "reach for the stars," and they talk about dreaming big dreams A LOT. And I don't think that is bad. But it is heavy, and it does have the potential to distract from the now. I've wasted so much time dreaming of becoming smarter, fitter, and richer. The goal is to look around me and say, "what can I do with what I've got RIGHT NOW?" Being smart, fit, rich, beautiful, white, black, strong, healthy, childless, married, or single, doesn't make me better. Accepting MY portion as what is meant for me alone, and working it to death is what makes me better than I was yesterday.

*Edit: All this to say, don't let your vision and aspiration for the future steal from the goodness of every day.

Giving Freedom for Christmas

There is a pile of toys available on the other side of the room...

...and here she is playing with an old box filled with give-away clothes. You all know its true; the best things in life are free. In short, children have no masks or pretenses and if we are humble enough we can learn from them.

I am already thinking of Christmas and all the cool things I want to buy to make my children happy. But today I am reminded that the human spirit craves simplicity and order and the freedom to explore, more than all the noise and flash and color that we try to dazzle it with.

As time goes on and we drift away from childhood we forget our way home to the things and the people who matter the most.

This holiday season, I am going to focus on the natural beauty of symbolism and provide an atmosphere of peace and simplicity at home. In the end, I don't want to add to anyone's burden of possessions, but give the gift of leaving them alone to discover things for themselves. It isn't easy for mothers to let things be, and I am certain they won't be giving me the same gift. But one can dream.

Clean House for Kids

A friend of mine asked recently how I keep the house clean and manage to homeschool with six kids at home. The first part of the answer is that I clean my house, but I don't keep the house clean. After being a mother for more than ten years I've come to realize that, just like most things, managing a house full of children must be approached seasonally. So I take the long view of things.

The reality is that there is something out of place most of the time with moments of nearly perfect cleanliness every now and then. There are some ways to make a tidy house more of a possibility even with kids running around messing things up.

1. Declutter. You knew I was going to say it. Its impossible to realistically clean a room with 5,000 stuffed animals in it. Decluttering your space leads to decluttering your mind and your life. Keep your home simple, especially bedrooms. If an item doesn't have a home, it belongs in the trash. Don't just make war on your kid's spaces, be an honest person and lead by example.

2. Clean Daily. Make a realistic cleaning schedule that includes all members of the family. Keep kid's chores simple and able to be completed in a matter of minutes. Remember that before the age of 8 or so your little "helpers" aren't so helpful. Start with a training phase. Show them how to do it, and leave them to it. Don't loiter and hang around to make sure they clean the toilet correctly. Come and check when they are done, give some praise and some pointers. Keep in mind the last time you were the new guy and be kind. Keep the chore list consistent. Changing things up every day or week will only complicate things and frustrate the kids. I give my kids a month with a certain chore so they have sufficient time to master it and become familiar with the level of clean we are going for.

3. Clean Weekly. Honestly, after the kids clean their bedrooms on Saturday morning, I give them the rest of the day off. Saturday is the day I actually clean all the spaces they tackled during the week (bathrooms, kitchen floor, playroom cleanup). That way we start Sunday out righteously with a genuinely clean house.

In our house we take our studies by storm and are usually done before noon. Short, sweet, and to the point is how we roll. We change pace over the summer to make more time for outside play, but we don't stop altogether. I find this schedule to make the happiest children and saves my summertime sanity. I don't have a particular time of day for chores, just as long as they are completed by dinner.

No day goes off without a hitch, and my chore list is everlasting, but making daily decisions based on the big picture helps me to enjoy life so much more. People matter infinitely more than things and that includes having a clean house. The whole point of any of this is to train up bright, responsible, good-hearted, hardworking adults. The house doesn't matter, but for them.

Forgiveness and the Postpartum Time

Its been almost five months since my little Una was born. I've been taking this postpartum experience more purposefully this time. Its important to me to live life full force, but that doesn't always lead me down the path that is best for each member of my family.

Just like a good childhood is in fact moments of joy and not constant joy, I am realizing that just about every journey rides out with the same rise and fall. People, children included, who try to experience constant pleasure find only unhappiness and discontentment.

So, I'm applying that knowledge to myself as I work day in and out to order my home, finances, fitness, diet, childrearing, and all. Its 80% hard work and consistency and 20% joy (with an extra 5% elation with a new baby).

The efforts all follow the same graph line: you win some, you lose some. People say in the postpartum time, "be kind to yourself", "forgive yourself", "love yourself".  I am fairly certain that it all means the same thing; failure is a crucial part of the journey. Without failure there can be no forgiveness, no rise from the ashes, no transformation.  One can find comfort in this, but its only the beginning. Forgiveness must be asked for and a transforming rise from the ashes, while romantic, takes a great deal of sacrifice and hard work. You must take the muscles to fatigue and failure, creating little tares, in order to rest and rebuild and come back stronger.

I am slowly and successfully working my body back into shape. My goal is to be better than I was before baby number six, and better than I was yesterday. The word to describe my efforts is cycle. Each day, week, and life, is full of seasons. Remembering this brings me peace in the midst of a hectic household, and even informs the food I choose to eat and the exercise I do to reach my goals.

If rest is needed, I rest. If the children need my full attention, I give it. If the house needs a good cleaning, its time to put the books away and clean. No day is perfect, but tomorrow is always a second chance.   

Mothers and the Sexual Icon Disorder

I've got a little problem. I think it may be a problem that many, if not most, women have in common. We seem to be viewing our level of sexual appeal as the determining factor for how valuable we are as human beings. In this whore-ific Kardashian kulture, its not difficult to see where this type of thinking will lead us.

 Don't get me wrong. All women want to be desirable, especially to their spouses. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is exactly right. We were made that way, and it is good. The problem arises when our priorities become disordered and we begin to think that if we are not sexy then we are somehow letting others down, that we aren't trying hard enough. The social atmosphere around us seems to be saying that to be sexy and desirable is the highest state women can achieve. One need not look any further than the women who are celebrated these days for proof of our society's "high" standard for females. Of course some know better, but I find it challenging from time to time, to remember that I am worth so much more than how I look.

 This struggle never hits me harder than during pregnancy and the postpartum months. Not only are my capabilities compromised, but I LOOK like I've been compromised. I watch helplessly as all of the hard work I put into building muscle and burning fat disappear. My daughter is just a few short years away from puberty, and I don't ever want her to wonder what is so great about her. I don't want her to think that if she shows a little more leg or wears a tighter shirt that people (boys) will like her better. I want her to enter adulthood with a strong sense of who she is and what God expects of her. I want her to view herself through the lens of her dignity and self-respect.

 I turn 31 at the end of June and I have decided to declare war on my own traces of this disordered point of view. I have decided to go the next year, six months pregnant and six months postpartum, without makeup. I only wear makeup one or two days a week, so this is not much of a sacrifice. But every time I see bad skin and circles under my eyes I am going to remember that all of the sacrifices and efforts I make to maintain a healthy diet, daily exercise, getting enough sleep, and taking time to rest, is for the sake of my health not so I can look attractive according to other people.

Lest you be concerned for my marriage, my husband travels a lot for work. When he is home he only notices if I put makeup on if my doing so makes us late for church. His loving attention has never faltered whether I weighed 130 or 180 (nine months pregnant). He is constant, and he doesn't care. And lets be clear, I take showering and shaving very seriously. This isn't a hippy boycott. Its a good old fashioned fast.

I am not saying that everyone should join me in this. But I will issue a challenge. Be good to yourself and realize that you are so much more than the way you look. Work for good health so you can be a better mother, a more lively lover, full of self-respect, and happier with who and what you are becoming. Don't get discouraged when you don't see progress on the scale or in the mirror. Becoming healthier is a lifetime pursuit. Don't dishonor yourself by striving to meet someone else's standard (insert comment about waist training here). Yes, our sexuality is our primary power over men, and I would encourage all women to keep their urge to use it under control and in its place. It's place is very low on the list of virtues and amazing female capabilities that make us useful and valuable human beings.

Making Peace with Good Enough

This weekend we've got our five kids plus two nephews. That's six boys under age nine in a 1400 square foot house, in case you were wondering. Thankfully we've got an amazing five acres of woods, and I sent them all outside early. They'll hopefully stay out until lunch. The din of their chatter and the click, click, clicking of their toy guns might send me over the edge. I had to iron some things out within myself when they were too excited to finish their dinners, too excited to fall asleep, and too excited to stay quiet until the mandatory 7 am wake up call this morning.

As I made whole wheat cinnamon rolls for the kids and a gallon of coffee for myself this morning, I felt a little guilty serving a sugary breakfast to them and even worse that I planned on eating some of the homemade treat, myself.

Then it all came together.

Spirited children are good, whole wheat is good, children learning to control a weapon and control themselves is good. They've slept, eaten, and now they'll spend their day in the great outdoors. Its all very good.

I struggle with relinquishing control of my kids. I want for them what I think is best. Its best that children don't make a nuisance of themselves, that they eat healthy foods, learn to finish what food they've been given, sleep when I say to sleep and rise when I say to rise.  But what I've come to realize is that I can't always force a child to be what I think they should be. I've got to learn to acknowledge the good and encourage my children to want what is best. I say, "I won't force you to sleep or to pray, but what I will do is train you to lay quietly without talking when it comes time to sleep, and kneel when your family kneels. So I train for good habits of obedience, and pray they will grow to want what is best instead of settling for what is not bad.

Training my own mind and the habits that flow out of it has become quite a theme in my life. Almost every time I am having an issue with another person, I look in the mirror and find that its actually myself that needs adjusted.

My diet isn't going to be perfectly healthy. Sometimes there actually isn't time to work out. I used to run myself ragged thinking that ideally the house would be tidy most of the time, and some of the time it wouldn't be. What is actually good is that, with kids, the house is messy most of the time and their are lovely moments of cleanliness.

So I keep my eyes on what I believe perfection is for myself and my home. And I plan and create an order that is always seeking for what is best. But for the sake of peace, joy, harmony, reason, and growth I've got to make friends with what is not bad. A home that loves the good yet works for what is best is an ideal atmosphere for everyone. Its a balance that we must strike within our private persons and in the office of motherhood.

Managing Motherhood Stress

We've all heard the phrase "saying it doesn't make it so."  If you don't act, your words are without meaning.

When we agree to become mothers we are not making a one-time decision. Its an agreement we must confirm every day, every moment. With each night-waking, we reestablish our commitment to motherhood. With each cheerful sacrifice you make to be the best mother you can be you are saying, "I will it" again. We are given so many opportunities to reaffirm our faith and our commitment to our families.

Staying strong and healthy is one of the best ways we can show our lasting agreement to shepherd our children and carry the keys to our homes. But I believe most mothers don't realize that integrating rest,  quiet, and respite into their lives is more important than including a fitness regimen. When we allow stress to command our positions of mothers and wives, we are failing in our mission. To allow stress to rule you is a great injustice and cause of much injury to yourself and thus to your family.

We often feel as though the pace of our lives is so fast that we can't catch a breath. Consider these tips.

Mother, put yourself on a sleep schedule. Be just as disciplined about sleep as you are about your daily exercise. Create a bedtime routine for yourself by turning off the electronics, showering, praying or deep breathing. Go to sleep at the same time every night and rise at the same time in the morning. Even on the weekends.

Mother, be quiet. God speaks in silence. I know that silence is almost a joke when you've got little ones running around sounding cacophonies of train whistles, banshees, or big guns of WWII. Don't use the din as an excuse or a reason to complain. Discipline yourself to rise earlier and spend 10 minutes in wakeful silence. Meditate, pray, breath, go outside and listen.

Mother, laugh. Laughter releases muscular and psychological tension. Watch a comedy. Phone a funny friend. Honestly, sit down and play with your kids. Kids are hilarious!

Mother, hop into the sack. You heard me. Sex can do wonders for building your self-confidence, re-connecting with your spouse, and can adjust your focus back onto the things that really matter, your people.

Mother, clean your space. You know what I'm talking about. Cleaning your space can feel like cleaning your mind. You are removing stress from your brain. I've experienced this phenomenon even with a small space, like my desk. Throw stuff away. Donate stuff. Even burn stuff if it helps. Get rid of all the extra junk that you don't need. Start with a small space like the top of the fridge, or your kitchen pantry.  It works.

Mothers, plan to succeed. If you know something is coming that will cause you to alter your usual behaviors and cause you stress (visitors, family road trip, holidays, a move to a new house etc.) plan on how you will deal with it. Know yourself and find what helps you to decompress.

From the moment we bow our heads in surrender to become mothers we are committing to a lifetime of sorrow and joy, pain and elation. The burden of carrying our children doesn't stop after we bring them into the world. Its an agreement to carry them forever. You have to decide every day to give yourself to someone else. That is why we nourish our bodies properly, we stay active, and we manage our stress levels; because we know that is what is best for our families. You have to reaffirm your commitment to them daily by giving them your best.

How to Give Birth to a Man

In ancient Sparta women enjoyed a great deal more status and privilege than other Greek women of the time, and more than most women in history have never known. The Spartan women were known for their speed, agility, strength, sobriety, and wisdom.  

"Why are you Spartan women the only ones who can rule men?"  an Athenian women is reported by Plutarch to have asked Gorgo, Queen of Sparta. To which she replied, "because we are also the only ones who give birth to men." 

In my experience some fathers have tendencies in the way they parent that are at once irritating, difficult to understand, and highly effective. They command respect and obedience from the children. Most woman watch from afar and wonder why their kids walk all over them.

 Raising children is not easy. There is no rule book to help when we don't know the next step. What was it that Spartan mothers knew and that some men seem  to know that make their boys manly and their daughters strong and capable? I have a theory.  Mothers, lets take a page from history and a page from some father's natural disposition.  

Practice what you preach. You must become the person you want your children to become. Who doesn't want their child to be hardworking, honest, productive, self-assured, and courageous? Mother, become all these things and train your children from a stronghold of honesty. Spartan woman lived demanding lives and were expected to stay fit, healthy, and to guard their homes with ferocity. They raised their children to follow their lead and to excel. Say what you mean. Don't manipulate or lie to your children. They will cease to have trust in you. 

Lay the law. Love the law.  Mother's are notorious for judging on a case by case bases instead of adhering to the law they have created. Stand your ground. If you said "no" then to go back on your word is essentially breaking your own law.Think of the rebellion and disrespect that would ensue if the government broke their own laws (no comment). When you make the law in your home, consider carefully. Is the law just? Does it work for everyone? Laws shouldn't be made on whims and selfish fancies or by one lawmaker. Down to its last detail it must never be bent or broken.  The punishments must be effective, swift, and final. It is imperative that when the punishment has been dealt that mothers don't hold a grudge. Justice says that payment has been made. Let it go. Women enjoyed freedom in Sparta because of the law that governed the land; within adherence to the law is freedom and the opportunity to thrive and grow. If you don't follow the rules, then no one can play the game.

Suck it up buttercup. Life isn't fair. Self-pity is like a disease. It creeps in each time you decide to weep into your tea because you "don't deserve this," or "it shouldn't be this way." You might not deserve bad treatment, and things might not be right, but don't give in to being a victim. Take a hold of yourself, your life, and the way you are going to handle the next injustice. You can't control others. You many not be in control of your environment. All you can do is control is yourself. If you fail to do that, nature says others will control it for you. Self-pity plagues you with a weak mind, selfish ambitions, makes you bitter and lifeless, and people hate being around you. Teach your kids to watch out for self-pity and live life aggressively. It might be the best gift you've ever given them.  

We don't live in a society like Sparta. But human excellence hasn't changed. In fact we've built upon the traits they valued in Sparta. Mothers keep your eye on your goals to raise honorable men and women. Don't tolerate second-rate habits in yourselves or in your children. Love your children, nurture them, and show them the world 's best side. But equip them with a strong character to battle the darkness in themselves before they face the battles being fought in the world.