Family Health and Social Bonds

"Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress, and thus tones the spirit just as exercise conditions the body." Arnold Schwarzenegger

There is no doubt about it, our social bonds can make or break us from a very early age. Acknowledging this is especially important when we are trying to make healthy changes in our lives.

I recently started a mom’s workout group that meets once a week at a park. Same day, same time, (almost) no matter the weather. As the kids play, we perform the same 20 minute workout and then spend the rest of the time chatting. This “class” serves a number of purposes that not all the members are even aware of. One of the most impactful forces on building a healthy lifestyle is the support of friends and family.

When trying to form healthy new habits of exercise, those who have the support of family, friends, and community are much more likely to succeed at their goals. There is a strong correlation between childhood activity and adulthood activity. Basically, what you do, your kids will most likely do. And how active a child is when they are young is a precursor to their level of activity when they grow up.

Active video games and interactive TV shows are very popular now as our society attempts to combat the childhood obesity epidemic in the US. But one blaring issue I see, that doesn’t seem to be widely addressed, is the fact that the modern family bonds are weak and distracted and children and adults alike, feel alone and isolated. I believe a great solution to this problem lies in physical activity that involves the whole family.

According to Standford University's Abert Bandurra, "Self-efficacy is a person's beliefs about their capabilities." Those with strong self-efficacy believe they are capable of desired achievements. One of the greatest benefits to whole-family fitness is the incredible effect that family support has on self-esteem and self-efficacy for the individual members. Professor Jeffrey J. Martin from Wayne State University, surmises that young people who develop self-efficacy through their engagement in sports activity are likely to transfer their strong belief in their abilities to their activities of daily living. In other words, those who engage in and enjoy physical sports activities are highly likely to transfer their acquired skills and habits, like stamina, teamwork, personal responsibility, and time-management, to other areas of their lives.

Even more vital is the effect that regular and enjoyable physical activity can have on the mental health of individual family members. The American Psychological Association (APA) reports that serious consideration should be made of physical activity as a treatment to such maladies as anxiety and depression. A connection should also be noted between strong social bonds and mental health. It would be a mistake to ignore the powerful correlation between quality relationships and the health of the mind and therefore the body. The devastating effects of loneliness can bring deterioration of the body and the soul.

"A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

The APA also theorizes that physical activity in a rich social environment greatly increases self-efficacy and revitalization among the participants. Social connections and strong family bonds are very powerful motivators for people of all ages. And the lack of support is equally deflating and discouraging.

There are many ways to get moving with the family from playing tag in the yard, to taking hikes on Saturday mornings. Getting and staying fit with the whole family strengthens the family bonds that our whole society is built upon and increases the mental and physical health of each individual member.

As life gets increasingly busier it is easy to forget that your friends and family are integral to your health and well-being. The most effective communities are those in which the members take personal responsibility in building trust and mutual respect. There is no better way to strengthen social and familial bonds than to engage in regular, enjoyable, physical activity together.

"Remember that bodiliy exercise, when it is well-ordered, as I have said, is also prayer by means of which you can please God, our Lord." St. Ignatius

Rules of Effective Goal-Setting

A few weeks ago I decided that my afternoon workouts were lacking. There is so much distraction in this house, and while I usually don’t mind, it was cutting into how long and how hard I was able to work. So I came up with a few small fitness goals, and began to plan. I decided to add an extra, quick, 15 workout in the early morning before the kids woke up.

When you set goals, not matter what size, there are a few principles that make your success more likely to happen.

They need to be specific; “I want to be able to do 50 push ups” instead of “I want to do more push ups.” Start with the big picture, your macro goal, and proceed to set intermediate and micro goals. When you’re through, you’ll know what needs to be done tomorrow for you to reach your goal next year.

Your goals need to be measurable. If you keep your goals performance related instead of outcome related, you will be able to keep account of where you started from and receive encouragement along the way by reviewing your progress “so far”. View and modify as you progress, to keep you moving forward.

For beginners, the biggest factor for failure when it comes to fitness is setting goals that are unrealistic. I can’t expect to do 50 push ups today if I could only do 20 yesterday. Week one was 10 push ups, 25 half push ups, then 15 more push ups. I still did 50, but I took into account my current abilities without berating myself for not being where I wanted to be. Once you’ve achieved a few victories, challenge yourself. Become okay with being uncomfortable. Failures at the outside can damper your motivation, but failure once you’ve got some faith in yourself, is just another stepping stone. Set realistic goals and increase the challenge gradually to make progress a little at a time. Be patient.

It is very fulfilling to work hard for the people you love. But for your goals to be relevant, they must contain a strong element of being important to you. Be honest with yourself and answer whether your goals are issues you would choose for yourself. If you don’t have the freedom to change what you are being asked to accomplish, try to find an aspect of the task that you can make your own. Setting goals and accomplishing tasks rarely gets an A+ unless you “own” the task and make it yours.

Keep each phase of your plans under some kind of time restraint. Make your macro, intermediate, and micro goals time-bound so you don’t get stuck on your micro goals for a year. It's important to give yourself the necessary time to accomplish each task; be generous. It will take me 8 weeks to go from 20 to 50 push ups, but my slow progression doesn’t come with side-effects like sore muscles, stress, or time-consuming weight sessions. I am confident that I will reach my goals, and when I get there I’ll set new goals because, to be successful, one must never settle. There is always another mountain to climb.

There are many aspects of our lives that we may want to improve but don’t know how to begin. Consider areas of your life that need to be upgraded:

1. Relationships
2. Professional
3. Fitness
4. Financial
5. Health
6. Artistic

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that other people have had overnight success. Everything we do leads us to the moment we are in. There is no such thing as quick success.

“The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision. That's the time to listen to every fear you can imagine! When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!”  George C. Patton

Define your fears, game-plan possible outcomes, and prepare to defy the barriers that may keep you from reaching your goals.

What are these actions going to cost you? What is the cost of staying where you are? Keep in mind that almost no problems are solved in comfortable situations.

Keep your plans to yourself. Telling your plans to others brings a social satisfaction that you simply have not earned yet, and it tends to take the life out of your motivation.

In conversations such as this, no one will have the answers for you, and your failure will be no one else’s fault. You say go, and the outcome is on you. You're the boss, stop laying blame outside of yourself.   

The only real value is found in the journey. Crossing a finish line or reaching the peak of the mountain would have no value if the journey, itself, wasn’t arduous and difficult.

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” Seneca

Categorize the things you cannot control and the things you can. Put the issues that are out of your control out of your mind and focus only on those things you, yourself, can influence.

Everyone has dreams and visions of things they think they want to accomplish. The line that divides us is the ability to set effective and coherent goals, and the will to pursue them to the end.

Motherhood and Lonliness

The truth is I enjoy being alone about 85% of the time. We all have different needs, but I have always been comfortable alone in the evenings when my husband is traveling for work and the kids are all in bed. I've always been this way. Mom used to force me to make new friends and I was always glad she did, but I've never been driven by a need for social interaction.

And yet, when my husband is gone for weeks I find myself adopting habits that, on taking a closer look, I realize are very much the result of loneliness- late night eating, binge-watching shows on Netflix, taking long, hot showers, and becoming way too interested in the affairs on social media.

The remedy for loneliness seems to be simple enough: real people, company, connection. But, consider motherhood (and wifehood, for that matter), where we are surrounded by people constantly. These people love us wholeheartedly and need us around the clock, and yet we feel alone somehow. So, loneliness is much more than being alone.

“Loneliness is an emotional state, not necessarily the objective state of being alone—it is dissatisfaction with social relationships, regardless of how few or numerous, infrequent or active.”
-Andrew Eng, PhD- Publichealth.northwestern.edu




True loneliness is discontentment with the status of your relationships whether those connections are ones you don't have or they lack the qualities you desire.

Perhaps we are lonely by our own design.

The will is a funny thing. When we choose a burden, it is so much more bearable than when someone chooses it for us. When we can't change our circumstances, the next option is to choose this circumstance for ourselves. It is the only other way to fight loneliness or heartache or depression or despair. What would you do differently if you had chosen this circumstance for yourself? Often, we actually have chosen the situations we find ourselves in, but don't want to admit it.
To overcome it, own it.

Choose to invest yourself in the lives of your family members. Choose to remove the walls that keep you from trusting your spouse totally. You might get hurt, of course. But to refuse any part of yourself means you choose loneliness out of fear of being hurt. Out of fear.

Its the same for those who are unmarried. If loneliness plagues you, You must change. You must choose to invest yourself in the relationships you do have, or to forge new relationships. Keeping yourself a secret is hiding yourself away, and you Will be lonely.

Take a chance on people. Forget about what you imagine they may think of you and just be a friend. Meditate on what you can bring to the world, not what the world can provide for you.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"

All photo credits go to Claire Ford 

5 Ways to Be Happier Overnight

The fact is, there are as many roads to Rome as there are people. Every human being is so different and that can't be said enough. However, if you were to ask around, we are all after the same thing: Happiness.

We all want it desperately and we will stop at nothing if we think it will bring fulfillment.

That's heavy. Lest I lose you here, I've gleaned some authentic, realistic food for thought. It's nothing more than habits that EVERYONE can adopt that requires no more than split-second decisions to start practicing. It's your choice. As cliche as it sounds, happiness is just a breath away.

1. Thankfulness. Give thanks every morning for whatever speck of blessing you can see.  As you look, your eyes will see more goodness every day.

2. Forgiveness. Bitterness and anger, even when seemingly justified, suffocate the spirit like a bag over the head. Decide to forgive and move on. Forgiveness, much like gratitude, is a process. You make the choice to live in the light of these virtues and that is just the beginning. You must choose this existence every day. Some days it will be easier than others, but you will never find happiness otherwise.  

3. Say No. Understand that saying no to others is not just your right, but many times is in the best interest of yourself and your family. It can be very difficult to turn others down without feeling that you're letting them down, particularly for women. It is often to your own detriment that you over-commit, over-schedule, and over-extend yourself. Try it. Start saying no when you feel you should and see that the world still turns, your friends still love you, and the unworthy folks move on down the line.

4. Say Yes! In case you missed this, there is no gold within your comfort zone. Step outside your normal bounds of complacency and try something new. Push a little bit harder at the weights or on your run and light a fire for yourself or for someone who is watching you. Every little step counts. Try new food, meet a new friend, eat or shop at a different restaurant or grocery store. Change your story from lost to adventure. This is where the magic is and its the only way to live.

5. Shut Up and Slow Down. In this digital age people talk a lot. Much of it has moved online, but I'm starting to think that all of the aimless and self-obsessed chatter is actually causing global warming, pollution, and the holes in the ozone. You just wouldn't believe what you can hear when you stop adding your verbal refuse to the world. Give yourself permission to let things alone to happen as they may and admit to your own contribution to the world's misery. You might just find a little peace for yourself (and probably those around you). And as you experience the serenity of your own thoughts, walk instead of run, drive in the right lane once in a while, and yield to the poor soul who didn't get the memo and is speeding his way into therapy.

To recap: Gratitude is in the eyes of the beholder; when you start to look for goodness, only then will you find it. Forgiveness is a daily choice and brings intellectual, emotional, and spiritual light with it. Say NO to the requests that pull you from the path you need to be on. One-hundred bucks says that you are the person that you need to say no to most often. Nothing but mental, physical, and spiritual stagnation exists inside your comfort zone. Get comfortable with discomfort. Let your yes be a "Hell, Yes" and your no be a "Hell, no." Listen with all ears, release the iPhone, turn off the noise, and hold back criticism, opinion, gossip, and correction (especially in judgement of self). Slow your steps and your breath, and learn to experience all the little things you've been missing. Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling.