Motherhood and Lonliness

The truth is I enjoy being alone about 85% of the time. We all have different needs, but I have always been comfortable alone in the evenings when my husband is traveling for work and the kids are all in bed. I've always been this way. Mom used to force me to make new friends and I was always glad she did, but I've never been driven by a need for social interaction.

And yet, when my husband is gone for weeks I find myself adopting habits that, on taking a closer look, I realize are very much the result of loneliness- late night eating, binge-watching shows on Netflix, taking long, hot showers, and becoming way too interested in the affairs on social media.

The remedy for loneliness seems to be simple enough: real people, company, connection. But, consider motherhood (and wifehood, for that matter), where we are surrounded by people constantly. These people love us wholeheartedly and need us around the clock, and yet we feel alone somehow. So, loneliness is much more than being alone.

“Loneliness is an emotional state, not necessarily the objective state of being alone—it is dissatisfaction with social relationships, regardless of how few or numerous, infrequent or active.”
-Andrew Eng, PhD- Publichealth.northwestern.edu




True loneliness is discontentment with the status of your relationships whether those connections are ones you don't have or they lack the qualities you desire.

Perhaps we are lonely by our own design.

The will is a funny thing. When we choose a burden, it is so much more bearable than when someone chooses it for us. When we can't change our circumstances, the next option is to choose this circumstance for ourselves. It is the only other way to fight loneliness or heartache or depression or despair. What would you do differently if you had chosen this circumstance for yourself? Often, we actually have chosen the situations we find ourselves in, but don't want to admit it.
To overcome it, own it.

Choose to invest yourself in the lives of your family members. Choose to remove the walls that keep you from trusting your spouse totally. You might get hurt, of course. But to refuse any part of yourself means you choose loneliness out of fear of being hurt. Out of fear.

Its the same for those who are unmarried. If loneliness plagues you, You must change. You must choose to invest yourself in the relationships you do have, or to forge new relationships. Keeping yourself a secret is hiding yourself away, and you Will be lonely.

Take a chance on people. Forget about what you imagine they may think of you and just be a friend. Meditate on what you can bring to the world, not what the world can provide for you.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"

All photo credits go to Claire Ford