The Problem with Self-Esteem

As a traditionalist and somewhat of a cynic, I have been confused by and questioned the whole modern idea of self-esteem.

The truth is, even within the scientific community, the notion of self-esteem seems ambiguous. What does it mean? Put simply, self-esteem is another term for self-respect, confidence, and even dignity. Assertiveness training is a term I ran into while researching self-esteem. Being assertive means you’re willing to stand up and be counted, not that you insist on being the first in line.

Having a strong sense of self means you are willing to accept the risk of expressing yourself and humbly, even calmly, standing by your word, your opinions, and your principles.

It seems that to have healthy self-esteem, one first needs a sturdy belief system. You can’t defend your principles and standards if you don’t have any.

Those who report a healthy self-respect tend to benefit from happier, stronger relationships and  enjoy more promotions and commendations at work. One of the benefits of building self-confidence is the demand it places on others to respect you. Others tend to treat you with dignity if you are seen to defend your own dignity first. Standing to defend your own values requires specific standards of good, better, and best, because only with a strong sense of good can you recognize wrong and develop a sense of honor, duty, and sacrifice. Having a grounded sense of who you are and what is expected of you provides a steady supply of endurance in hardship and through difficult times.

Failing to stand up for yourself and your beliefs can leave you with a sense of loss that can make you even less assertive in the future. Those with low self-respect tend to lose hope easily, give up easily, have overwhelming fear of failure, experience a great deal of tension and anxiety, and are highly defensive when critiqued or receive negative feedback.

Many experts suggest building self-esteem through changing the inner-voice, the one that tells you unhelpful, over-critical, arbitrary things that cut into your courage, confidence, and self-care. I find, though, that repeating mantras and saying nice things to yourself is barely even a bandaid to the deep issues that poor self-respect comes from.

There seem to be two genuine causes for poor self-esteem.

The first one is unconditional love or mother-love, basic trust, as psychologists call it. Unfortunately, this primal love can’t be replicated by teachers and caregivers, as hard as many noble teachers try. Teachers teach, support, demand, guide, and reprimand, but they cannot provide that first and foundational building block of basic trust that every child requires from their parents. Parents that fail to build a sturdy structure of family culture which a child relies on during childhood, and carries with him when he leaves, starts their adolescents out in life with far more questions than answers. “Where do I stand? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Does it matter that people don’t like me?” These are good questions, but if you don’t trust where you came from, it’s much more difficult to find your purpose and your value.

It is essential that parents work to provide unchanging structure at home. Kids rarely like it while growing up, but they will use it and it will become a guide to them as they find their way. They won’t need to start from scratch and walk blindly through their teens and twenties and beyond wondering if right and wrong have changed. They won’t follow friends off of a cliff, so to speak, because their parents have given them roots.

The second cause of poor self-esteem is lack of real accomplishment. I can tell you right now, my opinions on this may not be popular. I believe the prevalent idea of everyone winning is destroying children's (and therefore adults) sense of self. It is wrecking our basic construct of justice that begins at nine months old when we first recognize ourselves in a mirror. The next step after our first step is a strong sense of justice. “Thats mine!” Of course, for a toddler, the senses may be off a bit because not everything you like is “yours”, and there are other important rules to learn like kindness and courtesy. However, when children are given medals which they did not earn, it is teaching them that they don’t have to excel, they needn’t even work hard, to be rewarded. This is actually a lie and results in a type of environment which is a lethal and fragile combination of arrogance and ignorance. There is no excellence to be found within this unjust system. Children do not grow respect for their leaders in this atmosphere of arbitrary good feelings and injustice. Children have a natural sense of justice, and being raised in schools, homes and, increasingly, workplaces, where the feelings of the individual are paramount, the world turns inside out.

In athletics the good of the team is number one. Essentially, everyone together is number one. Those who underperform are putting the team at risk, and should either be benched or removed from the the team. This individual has a choice. They can quit trying or they can work harder. It may not be the sport for them. No harm in a child trying different things until they find something that they like.

In a family, and marriage, the unity comes first. This requires each member to lay aside their own desires for the good of the family or the union. It is the only way to win at sports, marriage, and life. Self-sacrifice. The most confidence-building thing in my life has been my husband’s unwavering, unchanging devotion to our family. He gives his all for us, and it makes me want to give all for us too. He puts me before him, and us before me, as it should be. It keeps me standing up day after day. Today, happiness has trumped holiness, and therein lies the heart of the issue. People can’t move as one and achieve great things because they seek first their own happiness. After all, that is what they were taught by receiving a last place medal.

Since we can’t go back to childhood, choose our parents, and change the way we were raised, how can we start from where we are now and build a stronger sense of self?

1. Acknowledge your flaws. Sorry, no one is “enough”. We need to change. We need to improve, we need to love more, give more, sacrifice more for the family and stranger, alike.
2. For those of us that only see flaws, acknowledge your strengths. The inner-voice of low self-esteem is notoriously negative, and most often a big fat liar. Identify the truths and the lies. Talk to a counselor if you can’t find your way alone through the unreasonable, unuseful, dishonest self-talk. Find the true achievements you’ve made in your life and allow yourself to celebrate them.
3. Stay humble. Remember that true, humble, honest self-worth is never built on something which itself is flawed and weak, like another person’s good opinion. What others think will always be important to us, on some level, and that shouldn’t be denied. Pleasing others plays a part in the maintenance of peace. But your personal value was built in by a passionate creator and your purpose fixed with perfection. Perfection exists only in the Person of Jesus Christ, and he is the perfect and essential standard. Attempting to build a healthy self-esteem outside of the context of God’s perfect order leads to a fragile ego, or worse, selfishness and self-obsession.  
4. Serve others. Many people who do not know God find peace, purpose, and a healthy sense of fulfillment within His perfect order by serving others and purposefully sacrificing for the good of others.
5. Everything isn’t your fault. Stop taking responsibility for other people's mistakes. (Moms, ehem). This practice causes more harm than good to these people and yourself. Allow others to carry their own burdens. As lifters can tell you, it’s only through increasing weight-loads that we get stronger. I know it’s difficult, but it’s okay for your children to hurt, feel rejected, lose, and fail. They become stronger, and so do you. Be there to comfort and support and love them, don’t be the crutch that they use to keep themselves from true healthy growth and achievement. This only perpetuates the cycle of damaging self-esteem.
6. Don’t let your failures define you. Get to the heart of the issues that keep you from success. Actually say, “My failures will not define me.” Ask for forgiveness and boldly stand upon your missteps to get closer to the person you are working to become.
7. Fearlessly let go of all the things that you’ve not been given to control. Focus completely on the trials and challenges that are yours.
8. Set realistic goals. Nothing is more deflating than trying and failing again and again because your goals were unrealistic. You then blast yourself with a barrage of self-loathing and name-calling for failing again, where, in reality, all you need is better goal-setting skills. Goal Setting
9. Find out what you believe. So many people don’t know what they believe concerning God and the spiritual reality. As a result of this distracted indecision, as many don’t realize, they are set adrift on a sea of reaction and frustration, tethered to nothing, and trodden on by circumstance and stronger personalities. They can’t be certain, can’t tell right from wrong, only repeat things they’ve heard others say, develop fear of the unknown, fear of confrontation, and even fear of quality conversation. Never stop seeking truth. It is first and foremost the way to “know thyself.”
10. Love your family unconditionally. Especially if you’ve had a difficult childhood, stop the cycle of turbulence and anger in your family. Work to create a solid haven for your children. Equip them with beautiful and strong traditions that they can turn to and stand upon when they need guidance in their own lives.
11. 
    Get strong. Begin habits in your life that bring real achievement and a strong sense of accomplishment. Every time you workout you’ve one more small victory. These add up and result in building your self-esteem. A strong body gives a strong mind momentum. It encourages boldness, courage, and a belief in your own capabilities. Essentially, getting progressively, physically stronger tells you, without a doubt, that you have been given power, choice, and ability to make real, effective, lasting changes in yourself and the world around you. Fitness is the best way to discover what difficult and amazing things you are capable of. A fitness habit builds within ourselves and within our children strong character, mental endurance and fortitude, self-control, and self-mastery. There are no better, accessible tools for building strong self-esteem.

The best thing we can do for ourselves and our kids is to develop habits that support a strong and real sense of self and purpose. Knowledge of self-worth has its primal roots in familial and societal units. God speaks to us through the order of these units. They are for us. Find ways to build your home-life into a place of certainty, order, and solid traditions. The foundation of self-esteem lies in knowing where you come from and where you are going. True self-esteem is in part earned and in part instilled in you from a young age.

As an adult, focus on moving forward, one step at a time, toward the things you want to achieve. Experiment, take chances, practice gratitude, healthy habits, and help others along the way.

24 Fitness Tips for Mental Health

As defined by the WHO, mental health is a “state of well-being and effective functioning in which an individual realizes his or her own abilities, is resilient to the stresses of life, and is able to make positive contributions to his or her community.”

It seems 40 million people in the US alone are suffering from mental illnesses. Women are significantly more likely to develop depression, panic disorder, and anxiety than men.

This is a serious problem, and while I’m in no way a mental health professional, believe me when I say, that while the necessary medication can alleviate the symptoms of general depression and anxiety, exercise can change you from the inside out. Thanks goodness for the medications that can help many of us see and think clearly when battling with a mental disorder. But consider if you could do something more proactive for yourself, with no side-effects, perhaps used in tandem with the prescribed medication. What if you could straighten out the wrinkles inside by building self-esteem, improving self-perception, and learning to manage your negative thought cycles, and stress levels with no negative side-effects?

“Increased aerobic exercise or strength training has been shown to reduce depressive symptoms significantly… Anxiety symptoms and panic disorder also improve with regular exercise, and beneficial effects appear to equal meditation or relaxation” (Journal of Sports Medicine, 2000)

You don’t have to be a fitness zealot to benefit from a workout regimen. Those who successfully maintain a fitness routine do so primarily because of the way it makes them feel. Exercise doesn’t need to feel uncomfortable to be effective. It can bring you mental clarity, improve memory, build self-esteem, can have a hormone-balancing effect to bring you better sleep patterns, is energizing, builds mental toughness, and improves your mental endurance. Any questions?

We are all aging. Its unavoidable and it’s happening to everyone. But it doesn’t have to be on a downward slope.

“As we age we experience a slowing of the metabolism, loss of bone density, a decrease in growth hormone concentration, and a decrease in muscle mass. As a result of these physiological alterations caused by the aging process it isn’t surprising that these factors are strongly associated with a reduction in self-esteem, social isolation, and depression. These factors contribute to a decline in quality of life and autonomy, increase occurrence of chronic illness, and contribute to the dementia process.” (Journal of Physical Education)

Engaging in a regular strength training regimen, with the goal of hypertrophy (muscle building), can kick hormone replacement, metabolism, and muscle growth into overdrive. Consistent strength training can reverse the effects of bone deterioration and can help fight inflammation.

By beginning a gentle and progressive fitness habit you can slow the deteriorating effects of life and time. By beginning a gentle and progressive fitness habit you can break the negative thought cycles that accompany anxiety and depression. Physical activity changes the structural and functional composition of the brain, and although science doesn’t know which body system to thank for it, exercise brings a “euphoric” sense of well-being.

So where and how do you start exercising when you are already fighting through feelings of exhaustion, being overwhelmed, and feelings of hopelessness? The answers I have today may not be what everyone needs to hear right now. But for some who are ready, here are some practical tips:

➽When feeling exhausted, know that exercise is energizing, and can help reset your internal, natural rhythms to help you get and stay asleep at the right time.

➽One step at a time. Just show up and do a little. Even five minutes, if that is all you do, is fine. You still won that one. But maybe you’ll do more than five minutes.

➽When you are feeling overwhelmed, don’t worry about setting a whole hour aside for a workout. Get moving in small amounts throughout your day. The recommended time for daily exercise can be accumulative. Every minute counts, and 10 minutes here and there can be very effective.

➽Make your workouts something you really enjoy. The Journal of the European Psychiatric Association found that “leisure time physical activity rather than physical fitness, seems to be more essential for positive mental health.” So focus on play, rather than a structured regimen at the beginning. Consider swimming, hiking, walking, yoga, or dancing.

➽When you are fighting feelings of hopelessness, talk to others. You may be surprised by how many people there are who are experiencing the same struggles. You may serve as their inspiration to get moving and taking control of their mental health.

➽Find out about other people’s journeys to successfully combating mental health challenges with exercise. Record your own journey. Your willingness to keep going could be enough to save someone else from despair in the future. Remember, you are not here alone and you’re never truly isolated.

➽Start slow. I can’t emphasize this enough. A study in The Journal of Preventative Medicine found in 2017 that, “compared to usual care for depression, only light exercise resulted in significantly lower depression severity at the 12- month follow-up.” So when you come out of the gate with all engines roaring, finally ready to change your life and you hit it hard, your chances of sticking to a routine are much lower than if you took this lifestyle change steadily, one day at a time.

➽Don’t wait for motivation to hit. It may never come. Don’t leave change to chance. Just begin. Change can be scary and intimidating, but don’t let it happen to you. You must happen you it. You have the privilege to choose how you want to show up. Your body and your actions are two things you do have control over. Take advantage of that.

➽Pain should never be ignored. If you are experiencing pain, seek your doctor’s advice on effective ways to get moving.

➽Be comfortable. Wear comfortable clothing, exercise in privacy, in nature, or in water.

➽Be social. Exercise with friends. Companionship can have just as great effect on mental health as the exercise, itself.

➽Consider your time exercising as a distraction. Practice silencing your mind as you move your body in an effort to break the cycle of negative thoughts that feed depression.

➽Pay attention to all the sensations when you exercise. Your feet on the ground, the tension in your abdominal muscles, the wind on your face, the length of your back. Don’t zone out. Feel it all.

➽Get outside everyday. Studies show definitively that outside exercise has a positive effect on mental health that exercise indoors simply doesn’t have.

➽Get grounded. At least once a day, remove your shoes and get your toes into grass, sand, or dirt. “Grounding” or “earthing” is reported to have a balancing, equalizing effect for the human body and mind. While grounding isn't an exercise, per se, it is a wonderful habit for those wishing to bring more balance to their bodies and minds.

➽Because of its holistic system of multiple mind-body practices, that include relaxation and meditation and cultivation of mind/body awareness, yoga is ideal for those working toward better mental health.

➽Clean up your diet. Choose foods that feed your brain as well as your energy level and muscles. Include good sources of fatty acids in your diet, like almonds, avocado, and salmon, as consuming appropriate levels of fats are integral for brain and hormone health.

➽Put a stop to the negative self-talk. Develop new, meaningful mantras, or short prayers, when you find your internal voice has turned against you again. Tell yourself only things that are beneficial to you.

➽Think of yourself as a friend and treat yourself as such.

➽When you are ready, practice facing your fears, one step at a time. Breakthroughs are never easy to achieve, but they are the only way to move forward.

➽If you have been choosing self-medication with alcohol or drugs remember that, while they may dull your pain for a time, they are actually the habits that are keeping you in the cycle of mental distress. These habits are making your situation worse, not better. Choose habits to replace them that bring health and vitality to your body and mind.

➽Make a list of all the good things you want to start doing. No judgement, no second-guessing yourself. Now, just pick one thing and work at it until you’re satisfied.

➽Ask yourself, “What do you want to do?” Take your time answering. Many people don’t even know what they want, and determining that is definitely step one.

➽Go for small wins every day. Once your fitness journey picks up momentum, small success by small success, you may wake up one day to realize that the voice in your head has changed its tune- that you’ve changed.

Your body is an intricate, complex, and incredibly designed organism. And it’s yours. Deciding to change the state of your health can be the first step toward healing relationships, improving your work situation, achieving your goals that you’d shelved as impossible, and changing how you view the world.

Exercising consistently boosts self-esteem and what you believe about your own capabilities. This elevated self-efficacy can be big currency in a realm that you’re new to like a gym, a new church, a new school, or on a new job. Once you’ve become comfortable and quietly confident in your own skin (and your own clothes), then you can honestly say, “come what may.”

*Any advice I offer here is not meant to replace a doctor's care, advice, or prescriptions.

Old Hands Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Beach Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Body Photo by Olenka Kotyk on Unsplash

Best At-Home Workouts

When you google “best at-home workouts” what you really want is for someone to tell you what is best for you. Some of us don’t really know what the best workout for us would be because we either haven’t asked ourselves the right questions or we don’t have the right answers.

Here are some good questions: What do you enjoy doing? How much time do you have to workout? What is your fitness/experience level? What do you want to accomplish? Do you like to workout with other people? Or are you looking for alone-time.

If you have no intention of making it to a gym, don’t think you have to shelve the idea of improving the quality of your life through exercise. There are many methods of training that don’t require expensive equipment or extensive know-how.

The first step to beginning an at-home fitness routine is to select a space in your home that you will use. Depending on what you plan on doing, a corner of your living room may suffice. If you intend to incorporate more dynamic cardio in your workout for weight-loss or general conditioning, don’t be afraid to take the routine outside. The benefits of training outside go far beyond what I am covering here today.

Here are 4 terms that you may have heard of, but might not exactly understand what they mean.

Let’s begin with weight training and compound exercises. Compound exercises are multi-joint movements that stimulate a single muscle or muscle groups. The other side of the coin is isolation movements that are single-joint movements and isolate one muscle. Isolation exercises, like the bicep curl, have value for those wishing to correct a muscle imbalance or for bodybuilders looking to grow the size of one particular muscle. They aren’t widely useful for general fitness. Compound exercises will give you the most bang for your buck as they burn more calories, build muscle mass more efficiently, and are systemically more challenging to execute than isolation movements as they demand the exerciser engage many muscles and joints for good form. 

Obviously, I am referring exclusively to weight training here. I am assuming that my reader already believes in the value of including some weight training in their fitness regimen. The best, most effective compound exercises to include in your home fitness routines are classics like the squat, deadlift, and the bench press, with honorable mention of the dip and the row. One of the most valuable benefits of incorporating compound exercises is that they are whole-structure building blocks for everyday movements. They strengthen foundational, supportive muscle groups like the back, internal muscles of the core, and the pelvic floor. Compound exercises are the golden fleece for muscle growth. It is imperative when executing any type of exercise, but especially when working with external weight, that you know what proper form looks like. Yes, you can hire a coach. But you can also do your research online if getting one-on-one coaching isn’t an option. Don’t take one person’s word for it. Look around.

You don’t have to work with weights to build muscle. I realize not all people will agree with me. Calisthenics has been around since ancient Greece. Commonly called ‘bodyweight’ training, calisthenics comes from the Greek ‘kalli’ meaning beautiful and ‘sthenos’ meaning strength. The intention behind this “beautiful strength” is not only to build muscle using one’s own body weight, but to achieve a high level of agility, flexibility, and power by moving against gravity. Weight training does not offer these varied benefits. This versatile mode of exercise has been utilized in the military community for thousands of years.

This type of training is also used by a wide range of athletes today. Think: pole-work (dancers), bar-work (street fitness), rope-work (circus performers), break-dancing, parkour, free-running, and of course, gymnastics. Don’t feel left out if you are down here with the rest of us who are unable to accomplish these high levels of fitness. There are literally hundreds of ways to include calisthenics in your fitness regimen and reap the many rewards. And you already know how to do them. Push-ups, squats, lunges, pull-ups, and planks are just the most popular. Each exercise listed here has dozens of variations. These are just examples of excellent and effective body-weight, equipment-free, and progression-based exercises. They are ideal for beginners, but bring massive benefit to athletes at any fitness level.

Let’s take the idea of bodyweight training and expand it. Plyometrics, or plyo-jump training, was brought to the United States track and field sports from Soviet Russia during the 1970’s. Plyometrics can be defined as muscles exerting maximum force in short bursts. In its original form, plyometrics was very specific to jump-training. Today you’ll find it incorporated in Crossfit boxes and football team drills all over the world. The goal is to increase power, agility, and strength, is utilized primarily by athletes, and should only ever be combined with other form of exercise as the large forces generated by these bursts of effort are very taxing on the body. While cautious experts might say “not for beginners,” one of the best things about plyometric exercises is the fact that they can be modified to almost any fitness level. When executed properly, the inclusion of plyometrics in sports team conditioning has been shown to actually lower the occurrence of injury. The most familiar plyometric exercises are the squat jump, tuck jump, power skip, box jump, plyo-pushup, and the broad jump. One may also think of sprints as the king of full-body, explosive, power-generating exercise. My advice, if you are just starting out, is to begin with calisthenics, and grow into plyometric training after you build a fitness foundation.

Last, but not least, especially when your fitness goals include fat reduction, is the all-popular HIIT- High Intensity Interval Training. HIIT borrows the “max effort” idea behind plyometric training and organizes the exertion to get maximal cardiovascular benefits by creating a metronomic rhythm to each workout. The basic idea is to perform a high intensity interval followed by a lower intensity recovery interval followed by another high intensity interval, and so on. The workouts last less than 30 minutes and revs the metabolism for outstanding calorie burn, which can result in maximum fat-loss. It’s a great addition to any fitness regimen. One great benefit to including HIIT to your fitness plan is that it can be tailored to any fitness level. “Intensity” means what is intense for you. The potential downside to this type of exercise is that it requires very high motivation as it is rather uncomfortable to execute. When it becomes comfortable for you, it’s no long high intensity, and you are no longer reaping the acute benefits of HIIT.

Studies published in the Journal of Diabetes Research, show HIIT to be much more effective for fat reduction in obese individuals than steady state cardiovascular exercise. However, for beginners with relatively low motivation, exercise adherence and self-efficacy is of primary concern and not what type of exercise works faster. Intense exercise whose benefit is based on the heart-rate going uncomfortably high can easily sour the whole idea of beginning an exercise habit for an unconditioned individual. Particularly the the first 6 months of your fitness journey, choosing a form of exercise which you enjoy should be at the top of your priority list. Don’t sell yourself short, though. If you want to take your athletic abilities to the next level and torch unnecessary fat stores, HIIT is the way to go for at-home, or anywhere, workouts. Consider adding tough intervals into cycling, running (sprints), stair climbing, bodyweight exercises, and plyometric training. The challenging nature of plyometrics really lends itself to the HIIT tempo.

The Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research reports that, while something is always better than nothing when it comes to exercise, HIIT wins as the most effective exercise method to improve cardiovascular fitness, combat lifestyle induced high blood pressure and obesity, coronary artery disease, and metabolic syndrome, and for lowering insulin resistance.

As a bonus, a recent study published in eLife, Human Biology and Medicine, shows that high intensity bursts of exercise improves cognitive control and performance, and memory capacity among groups of children. I wager the mental benefits of engaging in HIIT are accessible to everyone, young and old. Another great reason to get the kids moving and challenging themselves too!

Set an interval timer, write out a plan, and get your sweat on for 10 to 30 minutes. With consistency, you’ll quickly start to see what the high intensity buzz is all about.

There is a lot of information here. These explanations are here to help you sift through all of the fitness info out there, both good and bad, to choose the best workouts for you, and to help you take control of your lifestyle and your fitness goals. Now that you understand what the heck people are talking about when they use words like compound movements, calisthenics, plyometrics, and HIIT methods, you can compile your own library of exercises, choose what is best for your own goals, and never run out of ways to strengthen your body, and push your mental capabilities to new levels.




Lunge Photo by Claire Ford
Plank Photo by Toby Marshman on Unsplash
Bar Photo by Keit Trysh on Unsplash
Track Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash
Sprint Photo by Braden Collum on Unsplash
HIIT Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash